11/28/2011

Dear Jerk Who Tore Me Apart Boy,

I wanted to let you know that it's almost been a year since I left you. I ran as far away from you as I could and I've never made a better decision. Yes, I still think of you, but all the good memories are tainted with my new perspective of you. You had your arms around my throat so tight and all I did was smile and kiss you as I slowly suffocated. I want you to know that I don't miss you. I'm not thinking of your kiss or the way you looked at me because that would be poison to my brain and I'm working so hard to get it out of my bloodstream.

I also wanted to let you know that I'm in love right now and I think he's the man I want to be with forever. One of the things I love about him is he's not you in any way. He treats me the way I deserve and he doesn't make me want to slit my wrists and burn like you did. He makes me feel safe and the things that move are kept as bay when he's near. I'm so safe with him, he doesn't make me fall into the darkness alone. I want you to know that he succeeded where you failed.

Boy, you aren't in my head anymore. I just wanted to say "goodbye".

Regards,
Persona

1/21/11

Pool Particles
  There are leaves at the bottom of the pool like silver sand sharks. They only move with the rippling water, poised in fake action, looking for unsuspecting pool particles.
  I want to know what it would feel like to lay at the bottom of a pool, or a lake or the ocean, and look up into the distorted sun. Motionless except for the wave of my hair billowing around me. Frozen in time, listening to the profound silence, nothing on the brain. Nothing on the brain.

2/17/11

Self Evaluation
Now that I've moved to my new place of residence, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself, or rather, I'm more okay with myself. Self evaluation at the moment, I'd say my hair and face are less of an issue. Body wise I'm pretty confident, although there are things I'd like to change. I'm on the path of repentance and I think I can continue to get better and progress. I'd like to get into school but also focus a lot on my writing. I'm tired right now.

1/20/11

Fire
The journey changes, first she's earth, then water, now fire. Full of burning Passion and desire. She's red and cold and smoldering down. But now like a phoenix, she burns down to nothing to start over again. She's alone for now, but that's fine, because its hard to notice when you're on fire.

1/03/11

Clean Chalk Board
  So I believe that I'm making progress. The urge seems faint, the fire not so big, I wish I could extinguish it altogether, but then life would suck later.
  This is the time when things start to change, to move, because I'm moving. It's a new year, I'm going to a new place, its time for me to start over. Fresh, hopefully clean. It's so hard to tell when I feel like the line has been disconnected. Just that hollow beeping tone, I can't feel it anymore. Please, make my heart soft, let me hear You again.
    I feel so scared but sometimes you've got to jump into something for your own good and hopefully you'll be too distracted by what's happening that you won't think about later, about the past.
  I'm a chalk board wiped clean, I hope thing next thing written is a beautiful word, no obscenities, no melancholy phrases. Let it be good. Let me be good.

12/05/10

Eight Legged Freaks
Looking back at what I've said earlier I think, "who is this person who writes these? How come she keeps changing every time. I'm different tonight then I was last time I wrote.
  Is anyone going to read this? Will I ever be brave enough? Maybe its not bravery, maybe its apathy. I don't care if you read into my soul, just don't tell my parents.
  It's funny how parents spend so much of there time taking care of us and protecting us and now I feel like I should protect them from what's bad out there. No, you shouldn't read that, its not appropriate, it might even make you sad.
  The reason I won't talk to them about any of my problems or worries is not because I don't love them. It's because they're so busy and so stressed out that I don't want to make them have to worry about more things. I'll try to be as low matinence as I can.
  I just lost my train of thought. Not that these are following any kind of flow anyway. What was I going to say? I can't remember now. Time to go to bed because my eyeballs are burning and I'm afraid a spider is going crawl on me. I'm sorry, you have eight legs and are gross, so you deserve to die.

12/04/10

We Won't Burn
I'll make you stop, look, and listen this time. There's nothing more pronounced than red. It sure makes a statement, especially when its dripping off my body. Next time, you think, because it takes two to tango and I really need some help stopping.
  When you start a fire, it really catches fast, and it's hard to stop. Burning to the core that leaves a smoldering passion in the center. Deeper and deeper you go and I can't but help falling with you. Untie me and let me climb back up because by the light is where I want to be when it all ends. Until then I'll light a candle and sit by myself, because if I sit next to you I burn.
  Time to recreate again, tear it down, just like I sang before. Now it starts, the constant worry, sick twisting feeling that makes me spin inside. You don't have to worry because only I get the consequence.
  Self, sleep tonight and don't dream. Don't feel, don't move, and don't burn. We have to wake up tomorrow, there's no doubt because we don't want to be stuck in the dark alone. Not tonight, not ever. So sleep, then wake. Smile and fake till its time to sleep again. No one wants to sympathize, empathize, realize that you're alone for now. Close your eyes so you can be closer to your next chance.
  Tomorrow, my dear Self, will be better. We'll be better. We won't burn.

11/25/10

Turkey Day Basking
  I see all these effing colors on the screen that make up this white page that looks at me. Blues, reds, a barf orange color. I wonder if people ever have orange barf and its all super bright.
  It doesn't matter, I haven't barfed in a while. I have feelings tonight, tomorrow being thanksgiving. I am thankful for the good things that I have. I like to say thank you for my problems too.
  Thank you that I have something to fix, something to worry about, something to figure out. Something to make me feel so sad that I feel like dying. Thank you, because if I had never had any of those kinds of experiences and felt that kind of pain, what would we have to compare our joys too?
  If we were happy all the time, if nothing went wrong, then we wouldn't be as thankful for our happiness. We wouldn't be able to feel the happy side of the spectrum if there is no opposite side.
  Thank you for letting me hurt and cry, bleed and scream, burn with rage and hold myself and beg for the end. Because now I can smile, and bask in the simple joy of it. Smile and say thank you.

11/09/10

White-Knuckled Driving
Ooh its rage, baby, that lights me up inside, makes me burn. Jaw set tight and fingers grip the wheel. White knuckles like back when I was starting to drive. Stare straight forward, don't you say a word. I can handle an awkward silence, can you?
  When you're placed there with the decision, to do or not to do? You usually do. Or at least I. I, with my passion, my lust, my fire that seems unquenchable, untameable. I hope those are real words.
  Creativity likes to dance around me. Through my head, sparking an idea then back out my fingertips before I have time to trap it into media. It teases and agitates me. Body, don't you disobey me, don't be temperamental."I don't feel like it today". Well too bad, I'm picking up the pencil so you better get started.
  I'm feeling that restlessness again. That creeping sensation that starts in the back of my head and works its way down over my body. Something new to explore? A mouth to taste? A road to walk, or drive, in my case. I'm not allowed to walk by myself.
  So now when you're holding on to wrist, no, my ankle. Dragging me with you, I want to fly, to keep walking somewhere new. This is not where I'm supposed to end up, I know that, so don't you dare glue me to my spot.
  Don't you dare.

11/04/10

Shortest In The Room
Pretty tired tonight so I won't write very long. I can hardly even concentrate. I don't like being lied to. Just fess up. Seriously.

10/19/10

Methods (Explicit)
  Anger and frustration just flare up inside me. I hit my fist against the steering wheel again. Feel the pain, that's good. But now its gone so I hit it again. I soak it in, feel the sharpness of it. But eventually that dissipates and I'm numb. Bang my wrist against the wheel. Get home and burn my arm with ice and salt, press the razor against the skin but I don't pull.
  I'll stop for you. I'm giving you my razors. You said I lied. I only lied to keep from hurting you and making you sad. Isn't that better than lying to you because I don't care about you? I think I'm slightly justified, but I'm still sorry. I curl up real small. I want you to hold me and make me safe. Like you said, the only thing you can't protect me from is me.
  I'm a monster waiting to break out and destroy the first thing I see. Which is me. I'm so tired. Let me sleep.

10/15/10

Holy Cow, It's Political
  What I really find baffling is the fact that people choose to go against good. It's so simple, good is good. It's called evil for a reason. Don't take away our freedoms, we want those.
  You think we don't know what's good for us? You want to make the decisions for us humans? Us everyday people? Well, what are you? Who are you to assume you're higher up than us and therefore know best? Because you took some college classes and got promoted in the right job a few times? Did you know that you are a human too? You are the same as the rest of us. Don't you dare put yourself above us and pretend you can play God.
  When you get the power to create worlds and become all knowing and omnipotent then you can begin to decide what is best for the rest if us. Until then, let's listen to everybody. That way, we can all choose. We all have a say in our fate. Because now, if it goes down the drain and you're the one stearing the boat, guess where the fingers will point. And there will be blood. You can bet on that.

10/14/10

So, Tonight I Had An Idea 
So, tonight I had an idea that may sound a bit twisted but I think that's normal for me so far.
  I figure sometimes its best to force myself to do something that I won't want to do later when I'm in a different mindset. So while I still had my sanity (?) and my head on straight, I cut myself so he wouldn't touch me. Instant turn off I hope. Or maybe I'll remember them and say no before it gets that far.
  I thought it was a good idea. I feel bad all the time, and numb. I felt the cuts which was nice but now it just feels a little hot and cold with the irritated skin and cold blood. The pain was a nice treat. A little release from numbness. It's a controlled pain, which is why I think I like it. First time in a while. But at least I wasn't crying or super upset when I did it. Actually, having a calm rational (?) head while cutting your upper thighs probably isn't a good sign.
  I'm not emo, just so you know. I'm usually pretty happy until I screw things up and make a mistake. Maybe I should look for some counseling. For free? Aww, think you!
  I know that won't happen, but its nice to hope.

10/12/10

Go Green! - Go Suck On A Fish.

Baby, tonight I have Harry Potter bedsheets on and I don't feel like explaining myself to you. I want a hug. Don't make out with me, just hold me like the child I still am. All I want is a security blanket wrapped around me.
  I feel like my body is slowly dying. Well, I guess it is. But Z brought some knives over today and I want to say "Cut me babe, bleed me dry. Test your blades on my body." Obviously I didn't get to say it, but I wanted to.
  Don't worry, I don't want him. I want... I don't want much. I want a smaller nose and firmer thighs. I want to dance the way I see it in my head. I want the Movers to say "Here I am, you're not that crazy because today I'll be real for you."
  Did you see that? I'm not the only one. Anxiety creeps in the corners like theives in the shadows about to fall in. Blades glistening with my murdered sanity. Do I even have it? Did I start out with a sound body and mind?
  Sound. Sound is the sound you make when everything is solid and hollow at the same time. Envision that. It's a pale ivory color, before it gets stained by the lies and sins and pollution of this earth. Not the industrial pollution (Go green! - Go suck on a fish.) The pollution that spews from every humans mouth and mind. Everybody contaminates each other. No wonder God flooded the earth.

10/11/10

She Is Rain

Personally I think I may be going insane. The amount of time I spend... I dont know why I said that. It came to mind as something to write, but it was a thought unfinished. I have a lot of those. Words or phrases come into my head and they may not be attached to any thought I was just thinking.
  If you say no, does that justify you? What if you just push away? Why do I have so much trouble with making sounds? When its time to talk, I'd rather listen. Listen to my silence... that will answer your nagging questions. I cant make myself say no. My weakness makes me full of anger. Self destructive flame of hate. Makes me want to scream and burn my nerves so I can feel something.
  Soften my heart, I need to feel. I'm tired of being alone. It's the only thing that can really make me cry. Sit... silence... I'm alone and its too painful to bear.
   There I go, not making sense. I say I don't feel, yet I said the pain is too hard to bear. Look at me and tell me what you see. Do I smile? Do I make you feel good? Great, fun, loving, beautiful. There is nothing beautiful about sin. This sinner is ugly and longs to wash herself.
  I sit in the shower sometimes and let the water just soak into me. Hit me fast and light. I blend and for a while I can disappear. Sorry, she's not here right now. She's water, falling fast and although among other water, very alone.

companion, consumer.

A TV ad for depression medication. Depression is a dark spot that follows her and consumes her. With the medication she is put in control. The spot shrinks and can no longer consume. Victory, right? No, the spot continues to follow her. It is not a monster, but it is there. It will always be there. No matter how happy she is, no matter what medication she is taking, the spot is constantly following. Attached like a shadow. Seemingly harmless but the spot is waiting. Waiting for an opportunity to consume her.

It never goes away, but I will accept that and deal with the spot. And it will still follow me.

At least it is a companion. I am never alone.

pull me down.

I thought of him today. I hate him. I hate the way he could pull me in every single time. I hate the way he could just look at me and I was his. I would always say yes to him.

Now I think of him and my eyes burn. My throat tightens and my muscles go rigid. I hate you because you made me hate me. The hate of self so destructive and so passionate, I think I hate myself more than I hate you.

I work hard to forgive you but it's hard when I want to put a bullet in your brain. Maybe right in your pretty face so no one else will be captured by your charm, your dark eyes, your lips. Maybe I'd save the next girl. Maybe I'd save you from yourself. But don't worry, I'd die too. Right through my black heart. Punishment for it wanting you.

I'm happy to say I never loved you. I'm happy to say I don't think about you all the time, but when I do I hate, and it consumes me. Someday I will get over what you did to me. Maybe someday I'll forgive myself for falling into you again and again.

Or maybe... right through your pretty little face.

your lips.

I thought just once would be nice. Let's rekindle that old flame just for the sake of the heat. You wrap your arms around me and suddenly there is no where else I'd rather be. Pull me close and hold me tight. Your lips are just as I remembered, maybe even warmer.

I thought you were the one who would get addicted to me, but this took me off guard. I'm craving you now, something I haven't felt in years, and the worst part is I think you don't even care. I was just another mouth, another touch, another body to be warm next to yours.

I'm dying inside now, and I blame you. Jealousy is taking over and any thought of another near you makes me burn.

You haven't talked to me since.
I need you.
I need you out of my head
...before I explode.

stay busy.

Went into work today. In the kitchen I opened the cupboard and rested my face against the door. So tired. I see a bottle of pain killers. How many would I have to take to...

I shouldn't be thinking like that. Close the cupboard again. Today I'll work extra hard to stay busy. A busy mind leaves no room for a negative thought. Negative thoughts lead you down to the floor bleeding and crying.

So let's stay busy today.
Stay busy today.
today.

get through today.

fire.

Passion is a dangerous thing. My theme for the year (or longer) seems to be fire. Fire and burning and passion and rebirth. All of which are intertwined in some way. Fire consumes, which is what I want to do. I want to consume you. I want your love, and yours, and yours too.

Fire burns, which is what my heart does when I rage. My eyes burn when I rage. My body burns when I rage, and when I consume.

Passion is a fire that ignites quickly and spreads through out your veins, corrupting ever last corner of your mind till it's the only thing you can think about.