surviving.

It's been two months that I've been on this depression medication and I do believe it's working. I'm not saying that I haven't had anymore crashes but they are much less frequent and further in between. I'm still covered in sin and wanting so bad to get out. I'm trying to find myself again, find my God. He didn't leave me, I left him. Never again.

New scars line me now. A switch from two blades made for a deeper cut than I remebered. I need to stop.

This is selfish.

medicated.

After the last episode I realized I needed help. I was falling so often and so hard that I couldn't climb back out long enough to take a breath. I received encouragement towards starting a depression medication which I eventually ended up doing.

It's been ten days since I started it and I haven't had any crashes yet. In fact, I feel rather numb. Sometimes I'm happy or just a nice content feeling, but other times I feel like at that moment I should be sad. I feel hazy instead; blocked somehow.

At least the episodes have stopped so far. Dizziness and drowsiness seem to be the side effects, along with the haze, the wet cloth that seems to be wrapped around my brain.

Let's see how this goes.

I just don't want to turn into an unfeeling zombie.

companion, consumer.

A TV ad for depression medication. Depression is a dark spot that follows her and consumes her. With the medication she is put in control. The spot shrinks and can no longer consume. Victory, right? No, the spot continues to follow her. It is not a monster, but it is there. It will always be there. No matter how happy she is, no matter what medication she is taking, the spot is constantly following. Attached like a shadow. Seemingly harmless but the spot is waiting. Waiting for an opportunity to consume her.

It never goes away, but I will accept that and deal with the spot. And it will still follow me.

At least it is a companion. I am never alone.