It's been two months that I've been on this depression medication and I do believe it's working. I'm not saying that I haven't had anymore crashes but they are much less frequent and further in between. I'm still covered in sin and wanting so bad to get out. I'm trying to find myself again, find my God. He didn't leave me, I left him. Never again.
New scars line me now. A switch from two blades made for a deeper cut than I remebered. I need to stop.
This is selfish.
Showing posts with label Progress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Progress. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
medicated.
After the last episode I realized I needed help. I was falling so often and so hard that I couldn't climb back out long enough to take a breath. I received encouragement towards starting a depression medication which I eventually ended up doing.
It's been ten days since I started it and I haven't had any crashes yet. In fact, I feel rather numb. Sometimes I'm happy or just a nice content feeling, but other times I feel like at that moment I should be sad. I feel hazy instead; blocked somehow.
At least the episodes have stopped so far. Dizziness and drowsiness seem to be the side effects, along with the haze, the wet cloth that seems to be wrapped around my brain.
Let's see how this goes.
I just don't want to turn into an unfeeling zombie.
It's been ten days since I started it and I haven't had any crashes yet. In fact, I feel rather numb. Sometimes I'm happy or just a nice content feeling, but other times I feel like at that moment I should be sad. I feel hazy instead; blocked somehow.
At least the episodes have stopped so far. Dizziness and drowsiness seem to be the side effects, along with the haze, the wet cloth that seems to be wrapped around my brain.
Let's see how this goes.
I just don't want to turn into an unfeeling zombie.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
help.
Another breakdown. The sobs just rip out of me and the need to hurt is so strong. I can't speak, I can't look at myself in the mirror. I hate myself. I disgust myself.
I need to learn to love myself. But it's so hard.
I pray for help because I don't want to be alone. The blade stayed put but I used my own hands to break the skin, crying, begging my wrist to open up. Open up. Open up.
Open up.
But a small miracle happened. I prayed for help, and I received. All those horrible thoughts that ran rampant in my head stopped. They were muffled and I couldn't bring them back up. It was beautiful silence, a quiet calm, so peaceful. Thank you. He took it away and I was able to sleep. I stopped crying instantly. And I could sleep.
I was just so tired.
Thank you.
I need to learn to love myself. But it's so hard.
I pray for help because I don't want to be alone. The blade stayed put but I used my own hands to break the skin, crying, begging my wrist to open up. Open up. Open up.
Open up.
But a small miracle happened. I prayed for help, and I received. All those horrible thoughts that ran rampant in my head stopped. They were muffled and I couldn't bring them back up. It was beautiful silence, a quiet calm, so peaceful. Thank you. He took it away and I was able to sleep. I stopped crying instantly. And I could sleep.
I was just so tired.
Thank you.
Monday, August 27, 2012
calling.
It's been 4.5 months since I've hurt myself, or rather, since I cut myself. Wrist banging counts as hurting. The cutting is still hard to control, although this is the longest stretch ever since I started seven years ago. My body has spilt it's share of blood.
I'm going to admit, right now, that I am addicted to cutting.I'm in love with it; Action and idea. The white lines that lace my skin call out to me and ask for more. I need more. Just a few more, then I will be done. One long pretty one for my arm, maybe with some smaller ones criss-crossing back and forth, back and forth white stripes that blossom red, spilling over and down my arms, warm red like a lover's caress.
This is a problem. I can't let myself do it, but it's like a drug and it leaves me shaking and crying and begging on the ground. "Let it tear, let it tear" I cry, but there is a part of me, I'm split in two, that holds me fast, stays my hand. I don't let me cut it out. I don't let me feel the red even though I want it more than anything.
Not anything, there is something I want more. So much more, that I'mwilling to stop trying to stop.
But my arms are calling...
I'm going to admit, right now, that I am addicted to cutting.I'm in love with it; Action and idea. The white lines that lace my skin call out to me and ask for more. I need more. Just a few more, then I will be done. One long pretty one for my arm, maybe with some smaller ones criss-crossing back and forth, back and forth white stripes that blossom red, spilling over and down my arms, warm red like a lover's caress.
This is a problem. I can't let myself do it, but it's like a drug and it leaves me shaking and crying and begging on the ground. "Let it tear, let it tear" I cry, but there is a part of me, I'm split in two, that holds me fast, stays my hand. I don't let me cut it out. I don't let me feel the red even though I want it more than anything.
Not anything, there is something I want more. So much more, that I'm
But my arms are calling...
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
bloodless breakdown.
I haven't been feeling my best this week, mentally and emotionally. Last night I must have been tired because I broke down after he left. The urge to cut open my skin was so bad but I was able to keep myself from sharp objects and get to bed before I did some damage. I think that is the key there, or at least it helps. Make myself fall aleep before things get worse.
The cutting is no doubt an addiction and although my scars are hard to hide and to explain, I find that I like them now and I want more. More and worse ones. I don't think this is a cry for attention, I just love the way the white stripes cross my arms, my back, my shoulders. They tell a story and they are like art and my body is my canvas. I know I shouln't be ruining my body. It was created for me to use and to protect and to cherish. A body is part of the reason why we came to the earth anyway. But I went and got addicted to the pain, the red that follows, and the white reminders that are left behind.
I hope I get better, but part of me hopes I carry this with me always because it's a part of me now, but a crutch. I know I need to be strong enough to get rid of it, and so far I've been doing reasonable well. The last time I cut myself was April 12, 2012. It's been 2.5 months. Let's see how long I can keep this up.
The cutting is no doubt an addiction and although my scars are hard to hide and to explain, I find that I like them now and I want more. More and worse ones. I don't think this is a cry for attention, I just love the way the white stripes cross my arms, my back, my shoulders. They tell a story and they are like art and my body is my canvas. I know I shouln't be ruining my body. It was created for me to use and to protect and to cherish. A body is part of the reason why we came to the earth anyway. But I went and got addicted to the pain, the red that follows, and the white reminders that are left behind.
I hope I get better, but part of me hopes I carry this with me always because it's a part of me now, but a crutch. I know I need to be strong enough to get rid of it, and so far I've been doing reasonable well. The last time I cut myself was April 12, 2012. It's been 2.5 months. Let's see how long I can keep this up.
Monday, November 28, 2011
11/28/2011
Dear Jerk Who Tore Me Apart Boy,
I wanted to let you know that it's almost been a year since I left you. I ran as far away from you as I could and I've never made a better decision. Yes, I still think of you, but all the good memories are tainted with my new perspective of you. You had your arms around my throat so tight and all I did was smile and kiss you as I slowly suffocated. I want you to know that I don't miss you. I'm not thinking of your kiss or the way you looked at me because that would be poison to my brain and I'm working so hard to get it out of my bloodstream.
I also wanted to let you know that I'm in love right now and I think he's the man I want to be with forever. One of the things I love about him is he's not you in any way. He treats me the way I deserve and he doesn't make me want to slit my wrists and burn like you did. He makes me feel safe and the things that move are kept as bay when he's near. I'm so safe with him, he doesn't make me fall into the darkness alone. I want you to know that he succeeded where you failed.
Boy, you aren't in my head anymore. I just wanted to say "goodbye".
Regards,
Persona
I wanted to let you know that it's almost been a year since I left you. I ran as far away from you as I could and I've never made a better decision. Yes, I still think of you, but all the good memories are tainted with my new perspective of you. You had your arms around my throat so tight and all I did was smile and kiss you as I slowly suffocated. I want you to know that I don't miss you. I'm not thinking of your kiss or the way you looked at me because that would be poison to my brain and I'm working so hard to get it out of my bloodstream.
I also wanted to let you know that I'm in love right now and I think he's the man I want to be with forever. One of the things I love about him is he's not you in any way. He treats me the way I deserve and he doesn't make me want to slit my wrists and burn like you did. He makes me feel safe and the things that move are kept as bay when he's near. I'm so safe with him, he doesn't make me fall into the darkness alone. I want you to know that he succeeded where you failed.
Boy, you aren't in my head anymore. I just wanted to say "goodbye".
Regards,
Persona
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
1/21/11
Pool Particles
There are leaves at the bottom of the pool like silver sand sharks. They only move with the rippling water, poised in fake action, looking for unsuspecting pool particles.
I want to know what it would feel like to lay at the bottom of a pool, or a lake or the ocean, and look up into the distorted sun. Motionless except for the wave of my hair billowing around me. Frozen in time, listening to the profound silence, nothing on the brain. Nothing on the brain.
There are leaves at the bottom of the pool like silver sand sharks. They only move with the rippling water, poised in fake action, looking for unsuspecting pool particles.
I want to know what it would feel like to lay at the bottom of a pool, or a lake or the ocean, and look up into the distorted sun. Motionless except for the wave of my hair billowing around me. Frozen in time, listening to the profound silence, nothing on the brain. Nothing on the brain.
2/17/11
Self Evaluation
Now that I've moved to my new place of residence, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself, or rather, I'm more okay with myself. Self evaluation at the moment, I'd say my hair and face are less of an issue. Body wise I'm pretty confident, although there are things I'd like to change. I'm on the path of repentance and I think I can continue to get better and progress. I'd like to get into school but also focus a lot on my writing. I'm tired right now.
Now that I've moved to my new place of residence, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself, or rather, I'm more okay with myself. Self evaluation at the moment, I'd say my hair and face are less of an issue. Body wise I'm pretty confident, although there are things I'd like to change. I'm on the path of repentance and I think I can continue to get better and progress. I'd like to get into school but also focus a lot on my writing. I'm tired right now.
1/20/11
Fire
The journey changes, first she's earth, then water, now fire. Full of burning Passion and desire. She's red and cold and smoldering down. But now like a phoenix, she burns down to nothing to start over again. She's alone for now, but that's fine, because its hard to notice when you're on fire.
The journey changes, first she's earth, then water, now fire. Full of burning Passion and desire. She's red and cold and smoldering down. But now like a phoenix, she burns down to nothing to start over again. She's alone for now, but that's fine, because its hard to notice when you're on fire.
1/03/11
Clean Chalk Board
So I believe that I'm making progress. The urge seems faint, the fire not so big, I wish I could extinguish it altogether, but then life would suck later.
This is the time when things start to change, to move, because I'm moving. It's a new year, I'm going to a new place, its time for me to start over. Fresh, hopefully clean. It's so hard to tell when I feel like the line has been disconnected. Just that hollow beeping tone, I can't feel it anymore. Please, make my heart soft, let me hear You again.
I feel so scared but sometimes you've got to jump into something for your own good and hopefully you'll be too distracted by what's happening that you won't think about later, about the past.
I'm a chalk board wiped clean, I hope thing next thing written is a beautiful word, no obscenities, no melancholy phrases. Let it be good. Let me be good.
So I believe that I'm making progress. The urge seems faint, the fire not so big, I wish I could extinguish it altogether, but then life would suck later.
This is the time when things start to change, to move, because I'm moving. It's a new year, I'm going to a new place, its time for me to start over. Fresh, hopefully clean. It's so hard to tell when I feel like the line has been disconnected. Just that hollow beeping tone, I can't feel it anymore. Please, make my heart soft, let me hear You again.
I feel so scared but sometimes you've got to jump into something for your own good and hopefully you'll be too distracted by what's happening that you won't think about later, about the past.
I'm a chalk board wiped clean, I hope thing next thing written is a beautiful word, no obscenities, no melancholy phrases. Let it be good. Let me be good.
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