help.

Another breakdown. The sobs just rip out of me and the need to hurt is so strong. I can't speak, I can't look at myself in the mirror. I hate myself. I disgust myself.

I need to learn to love myself. But it's so hard.

I pray for help because I don't want to be alone. The blade stayed put but I used my own hands to break the skin, crying, begging my wrist to open up. Open up. Open up.

Open up.

But a small miracle happened. I prayed for help, and I received. All those horrible thoughts that ran rampant in my head stopped. They were muffled and I couldn't bring them back up. It was beautiful silence, a quiet calm, so peaceful. Thank you. He took it away and I was able to sleep. I stopped crying instantly. And I could sleep.

I was just so tired.

Thank you.

smooth.

You look so peacful with your eyes closed. Hands running across my arms and back, your mouth twitches with pleasure. Eyes flutter open and you look right into me, deeper and deeper you go. Smooth, slow, warmth spreading through both of us. Breathing is low and hot, there is no stopping now. One night of bliss, one night of sin.

Love, you have all of me so please don't break me.

calling.

It's been 4.5 months since I've hurt myself, or rather, since I cut myself. Wrist banging counts as hurting. The cutting is still hard to control, although this is the longest stretch ever since I started seven years ago. My body has spilt it's share of blood.

I'm going to admit, right now, that I am addicted to cutting.I'm in love with it; Action and idea. The white lines that lace my skin call out to me and ask for more. I need more. Just a few more, then I will be done. One long pretty one for my arm, maybe with some smaller ones criss-crossing back and forth, back and forth white stripes that blossom red, spilling over and down my arms, warm red like a lover's caress.

This is a problem. I can't let myself do it, but it's like a drug and it leaves me shaking and crying and begging on the ground. "Let it tear, let it tear" I cry, but there is a part of me, I'm split in two, that holds me fast, stays my hand. I don't let me cut it out. I don't let me feel the red even though I want it more than anything.

Not anything, there is something I want more. So much more, that I'm willing to stop trying to stop.

But my arms are calling...

love.

I fell in love. This is not something I planned to do. In fact, I was trying my hardest to stay out of emotional attachments. I wanted to get to know people but mostly, I just wanted to be alone. I was in love before. A strained love, but still love. After that ended I wanted to just be me, not a couple. I wanted to develop me, learn to love myself, or at least tolerate me. But then I met him. He asked me to dance and later that evening he said he would like to see me again. I said yes, thinking that I could date him a couple times but stay single.

That first date I was immediately attracted to him and not just physically. He was smart and brave and wanted to help others. He had a big smile that was always on his face and an even bigger heart. He was the most positive person I have seen in a long time and I needed that. After that date I knew I wanted to see more of him but I felt as if I hadn't made a good impression or hadn't been interesting enough for him to ask me out again. I was wrong.

I got a message from him that he wanted to meet again and I couldn't say no. That night I wanted so badly to kiss him, or him kiss me but I told myself that I was not allowed to. I was not allowed to fall for this boy. Two dates later, he looked at me and said "I'm trying so hard to not kiss you." I tried to say something witty but he put his hand behind my head and pulled me into him gently. We were like matches and gasoline. I've never felt such a pull towards someone physically, emotionally and spiritually. It didn't take long after that till he told me he loved me. I didn't believe him, although I wanted it to be true. I was trying so hard to keep myself distanced so I wouldn't get hurt again. A few days later, I told him I loved him, and it was the honest truth. I loved him so fast it baffled me, but I knew it was true.

Now he comes over to see me whenever he has time and he plays me songs and sings words that make my heart melt. I don't want to melt, but only for him.

We share a trial that will be hard to overcome but I'm willing and ready for the challenge as long as he is next to me. Last night we had a problem. We ended up sitting on the floor, holding each other. We comforted each other and made promises to do better. To progress. I didn't believe the extent of his feeling till that night when I saw that tear roll down his cheek.

I fell in love. This is not something I planned to do. But for him, I will change my plans, because he is worth it.

extinguished.

It's gone. The fire, the passion. You hold none of that in my heart any longer. I can't tell you why. I don't even know. The love I have now if the love you keep for a friend, someone who needs help. You go in to kiss me and I am repulsed. The fire is gone and it's not coming back.

How do I tell you your love is unrequited? I can't explain how it happened, this always happens.
Am I defective?
No, you just aren't the one.