So, Tonight I Had An Idea
So, tonight I had an idea that may sound a bit twisted but I think that's normal for me so far.
I figure sometimes its best to force myself to do something that I won't want to do later when I'm in a different mindset. So while I still had my sanity (?) and my head on straight, I cut myself so he wouldn't touch me. Instant turn off I hope. Or maybe I'll remember them and say no before it gets that far.
I thought it was a good idea. I feel bad all the time, and numb. I felt the cuts which was nice but now it just feels a little hot and cold with the irritated skin and cold blood. The pain was a nice treat. A little release from numbness. It's a controlled pain, which is why I think I like it. First time in a while. But at least I wasn't crying or super upset when I did it. Actually, having a calm rational (?) head while cutting your upper thighs probably isn't a good sign.
I'm not emo, just so you know. I'm usually pretty happy until I screw things up and make a mistake. Maybe I should look for some counseling. For free? Aww, think you!
I know that won't happen, but its nice to hope.
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