White-Knuckled Driving
Ooh its rage, baby, that lights me up inside, makes me burn. Jaw set tight and fingers grip the wheel. White knuckles like back when I was starting to drive. Stare straight forward, don't you say a word. I can handle an awkward silence, can you?
When you're placed there with the decision, to do or not to do? You usually do. Or at least I. I, with my passion, my lust, my fire that seems unquenchable, untameable. I hope those are real words.
Creativity likes to dance around me. Through my head, sparking an idea then back out my fingertips before I have time to trap it into media. It teases and agitates me. Body, don't you disobey me, don't be temperamental."I don't feel like it today". Well too bad, I'm picking up the pencil so you better get started.
I'm feeling that restlessness again. That creeping sensation that starts in the back of my head and works its way down over my body. Something new to explore? A mouth to taste? A road to walk, or drive, in my case. I'm not allowed to walk by myself.
So now when you're holding on to wrist, no, my ankle. Dragging me with you, I want to fly, to keep walking somewhere new. This is not where I'm supposed to end up, I know that, so don't you dare glue me to my spot.
Don't you dare.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
11/04/10
Shortest In The Room
Pretty tired tonight so I won't write very long. I can hardly even concentrate. I don't like being lied to. Just fess up. Seriously.
Pretty tired tonight so I won't write very long. I can hardly even concentrate. I don't like being lied to. Just fess up. Seriously.
10/19/10
Methods (Explicit)
Anger and frustration just flare up inside me. I hit my fist against the steering wheel again. Feel the pain, that's good. But now its gone so I hit it again. I soak it in, feel the sharpness of it. But eventually that dissipates and I'm numb. Bang my wrist against the wheel. Get home and burn my arm with ice and salt, press the razor against the skin but I don't pull.
I'll stop for you. I'm giving you my razors. You said I lied. I only lied to keep from hurting you and making you sad. Isn't that better than lying to you because I don't care about you? I think I'm slightly justified, but I'm still sorry. I curl up real small. I want you to hold me and make me safe. Like you said, the only thing you can't protect me from is me.
I'm a monster waiting to break out and destroy the first thing I see. Which is me. I'm so tired. Let me sleep.
Anger and frustration just flare up inside me. I hit my fist against the steering wheel again. Feel the pain, that's good. But now its gone so I hit it again. I soak it in, feel the sharpness of it. But eventually that dissipates and I'm numb. Bang my wrist against the wheel. Get home and burn my arm with ice and salt, press the razor against the skin but I don't pull.
I'll stop for you. I'm giving you my razors. You said I lied. I only lied to keep from hurting you and making you sad. Isn't that better than lying to you because I don't care about you? I think I'm slightly justified, but I'm still sorry. I curl up real small. I want you to hold me and make me safe. Like you said, the only thing you can't protect me from is me.
I'm a monster waiting to break out and destroy the first thing I see. Which is me. I'm so tired. Let me sleep.
10/15/10
Holy Cow, It's Political
What I really find baffling is the fact that people choose to go against good. It's so simple, good is good. It's called evil for a reason. Don't take away our freedoms, we want those.
You think we don't know what's good for us? You want to make the decisions for us humans? Us everyday people? Well, what are you? Who are you to assume you're higher up than us and therefore know best? Because you took some college classes and got promoted in the right job a few times? Did you know that you are a human too? You are the same as the rest of us. Don't you dare put yourself above us and pretend you can play God.
When you get the power to create worlds and become all knowing and omnipotent then you can begin to decide what is best for the rest if us. Until then, let's listen to everybody. That way, we can all choose. We all have a say in our fate. Because now, if it goes down the drain and you're the one stearing the boat, guess where the fingers will point. And there will be blood. You can bet on that.
What I really find baffling is the fact that people choose to go against good. It's so simple, good is good. It's called evil for a reason. Don't take away our freedoms, we want those.
You think we don't know what's good for us? You want to make the decisions for us humans? Us everyday people? Well, what are you? Who are you to assume you're higher up than us and therefore know best? Because you took some college classes and got promoted in the right job a few times? Did you know that you are a human too? You are the same as the rest of us. Don't you dare put yourself above us and pretend you can play God.
When you get the power to create worlds and become all knowing and omnipotent then you can begin to decide what is best for the rest if us. Until then, let's listen to everybody. That way, we can all choose. We all have a say in our fate. Because now, if it goes down the drain and you're the one stearing the boat, guess where the fingers will point. And there will be blood. You can bet on that.
10/14/10
So, Tonight I Had An Idea
So, tonight I had an idea that may sound a bit twisted but I think that's normal for me so far.
I figure sometimes its best to force myself to do something that I won't want to do later when I'm in a different mindset. So while I still had my sanity (?) and my head on straight, I cut myself so he wouldn't touch me. Instant turn off I hope. Or maybe I'll remember them and say no before it gets that far.
I thought it was a good idea. I feel bad all the time, and numb. I felt the cuts which was nice but now it just feels a little hot and cold with the irritated skin and cold blood. The pain was a nice treat. A little release from numbness. It's a controlled pain, which is why I think I like it. First time in a while. But at least I wasn't crying or super upset when I did it. Actually, having a calm rational (?) head while cutting your upper thighs probably isn't a good sign.
I'm not emo, just so you know. I'm usually pretty happy until I screw things up and make a mistake. Maybe I should look for some counseling. For free? Aww, think you!
I know that won't happen, but its nice to hope.
So, tonight I had an idea that may sound a bit twisted but I think that's normal for me so far.
I figure sometimes its best to force myself to do something that I won't want to do later when I'm in a different mindset. So while I still had my sanity (?) and my head on straight, I cut myself so he wouldn't touch me. Instant turn off I hope. Or maybe I'll remember them and say no before it gets that far.
I thought it was a good idea. I feel bad all the time, and numb. I felt the cuts which was nice but now it just feels a little hot and cold with the irritated skin and cold blood. The pain was a nice treat. A little release from numbness. It's a controlled pain, which is why I think I like it. First time in a while. But at least I wasn't crying or super upset when I did it. Actually, having a calm rational (?) head while cutting your upper thighs probably isn't a good sign.
I'm not emo, just so you know. I'm usually pretty happy until I screw things up and make a mistake. Maybe I should look for some counseling. For free? Aww, think you!
I know that won't happen, but its nice to hope.
10/12/10
Go Green! - Go Suck On A Fish.
Baby, tonight I have Harry Potter bedsheets on and I don't feel like explaining myself to you. I want a hug. Don't make out with me, just hold me like the child I still am. All I want is a security blanket wrapped around me.
I feel like my body is slowly dying. Well, I guess it is. But Z brought some knives over today and I want to say "Cut me babe, bleed me dry. Test your blades on my body." Obviously I didn't get to say it, but I wanted to.
Don't worry, I don't want him. I want... I don't want much. I want a smaller nose and firmer thighs. I want to dance the way I see it in my head. I want the Movers to say "Here I am, you're not that crazy because today I'll be real for you."
Did you see that? I'm not the only one. Anxiety creeps in the corners like theives in the shadows about to fall in. Blades glistening with my murdered sanity. Do I even have it? Did I start out with a sound body and mind?
Sound. Sound is the sound you make when everything is solid and hollow at the same time. Envision that. It's a pale ivory color, before it gets stained by the lies and sins and pollution of this earth. Not the industrial pollution (Go green! - Go suck on a fish.) The pollution that spews from every humans mouth and mind. Everybody contaminates each other. No wonder God flooded the earth.
Baby, tonight I have Harry Potter bedsheets on and I don't feel like explaining myself to you. I want a hug. Don't make out with me, just hold me like the child I still am. All I want is a security blanket wrapped around me.
I feel like my body is slowly dying. Well, I guess it is. But Z brought some knives over today and I want to say "Cut me babe, bleed me dry. Test your blades on my body." Obviously I didn't get to say it, but I wanted to.
Don't worry, I don't want him. I want... I don't want much. I want a smaller nose and firmer thighs. I want to dance the way I see it in my head. I want the Movers to say "Here I am, you're not that crazy because today I'll be real for you."
Did you see that? I'm not the only one. Anxiety creeps in the corners like theives in the shadows about to fall in. Blades glistening with my murdered sanity. Do I even have it? Did I start out with a sound body and mind?
Sound. Sound is the sound you make when everything is solid and hollow at the same time. Envision that. It's a pale ivory color, before it gets stained by the lies and sins and pollution of this earth. Not the industrial pollution (Go green! - Go suck on a fish.) The pollution that spews from every humans mouth and mind. Everybody contaminates each other. No wonder God flooded the earth.
10/11/10
She Is Rain
Personally I think I may be going insane. The amount of time I spend... I dont know why I said that. It came to mind as something to write, but it was a thought unfinished. I have a lot of those. Words or phrases come into my head and they may not be attached to any thought I was just thinking.
If you say no, does that justify you? What if you just push away? Why do I have so much trouble with making sounds? When its time to talk, I'd rather listen. Listen to my silence... that will answer your nagging questions. I cant make myself say no. My weakness makes me full of anger. Self destructive flame of hate. Makes me want to scream and burn my nerves so I can feel something.
Soften my heart, I need to feel. I'm tired of being alone. It's the only thing that can really make me cry. Sit... silence... I'm alone and its too painful to bear.
There I go, not making sense. I say I don't feel, yet I said the pain is too hard to bear. Look at me and tell me what you see. Do I smile? Do I make you feel good? Great, fun, loving, beautiful. There is nothing beautiful about sin. This sinner is ugly and longs to wash herself.
I sit in the shower sometimes and let the water just soak into me. Hit me fast and light. I blend and for a while I can disappear. Sorry, she's not here right now. She's water, falling fast and although among other water, very alone.
Personally I think I may be going insane. The amount of time I spend... I dont know why I said that. It came to mind as something to write, but it was a thought unfinished. I have a lot of those. Words or phrases come into my head and they may not be attached to any thought I was just thinking.
If you say no, does that justify you? What if you just push away? Why do I have so much trouble with making sounds? When its time to talk, I'd rather listen. Listen to my silence... that will answer your nagging questions. I cant make myself say no. My weakness makes me full of anger. Self destructive flame of hate. Makes me want to scream and burn my nerves so I can feel something.
Soften my heart, I need to feel. I'm tired of being alone. It's the only thing that can really make me cry. Sit... silence... I'm alone and its too painful to bear.
There I go, not making sense. I say I don't feel, yet I said the pain is too hard to bear. Look at me and tell me what you see. Do I smile? Do I make you feel good? Great, fun, loving, beautiful. There is nothing beautiful about sin. This sinner is ugly and longs to wash herself.
I sit in the shower sometimes and let the water just soak into me. Hit me fast and light. I blend and for a while I can disappear. Sorry, she's not here right now. She's water, falling fast and although among other water, very alone.
companion, consumer.
A TV ad for depression medication. Depression is a dark spot that follows her and consumes her. With the medication she is put in control. The spot shrinks and can no longer consume. Victory, right? No, the spot continues to follow her. It is not a monster, but it is there. It will always be there. No matter how happy she is, no matter what medication she is taking, the spot is constantly following. Attached like a shadow. Seemingly harmless but the spot is waiting. Waiting for an opportunity to consume her.
It never goes away, but I will accept that and deal with the spot. And it will still follow me.
At least it is a companion. I am never alone.
It never goes away, but I will accept that and deal with the spot. And it will still follow me.
At least it is a companion. I am never alone.
pull me down.
I thought of him today. I hate him. I hate the way he could pull me in every single time. I hate the way he could just look at me and I was his. I would always say yes to him.
Now I think of him and my eyes burn. My throat tightens and my muscles go rigid. I hate you because you made me hate me. The hate of self so destructive and so passionate, I think I hate myself more than I hate you.
I work hard to forgive you but it's hard when I want to put a bullet in your brain. Maybe right in your pretty face so no one else will be captured by your charm, your dark eyes, your lips. Maybe I'd save the next girl. Maybe I'd save you from yourself. But don't worry, I'd die too. Right through my black heart. Punishment for it wanting you.
I'm happy to say I never loved you. I'm happy to say I don't think about you all the time, but when I do I hate, and it consumes me. Someday I will get over what you did to me. Maybe someday I'll forgive myself for falling into you again and again.
Or maybe... right through your pretty little face.
Now I think of him and my eyes burn. My throat tightens and my muscles go rigid. I hate you because you made me hate me. The hate of self so destructive and so passionate, I think I hate myself more than I hate you.
I work hard to forgive you but it's hard when I want to put a bullet in your brain. Maybe right in your pretty face so no one else will be captured by your charm, your dark eyes, your lips. Maybe I'd save the next girl. Maybe I'd save you from yourself. But don't worry, I'd die too. Right through my black heart. Punishment for it wanting you.
I'm happy to say I never loved you. I'm happy to say I don't think about you all the time, but when I do I hate, and it consumes me. Someday I will get over what you did to me. Maybe someday I'll forgive myself for falling into you again and again.
Or maybe... right through your pretty little face.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
your lips.
I thought just once would be nice. Let's rekindle that old flame just for the sake of the heat. You wrap your arms around me and suddenly there is no where else I'd rather be. Pull me close and hold me tight. Your lips are just as I remembered, maybe even warmer.
I thought you were the one who would get addicted to me, but this took me off guard. I'm craving you now, something I haven't felt in years, and the worst part is I think you don't even care. I was just another mouth, another touch, another body to be warm next to yours.
I'm dying inside now, and I blame you. Jealousy is taking over and any thought of another near you makes me burn.
You haven't talked to me since.
I need you.
I need you out of my head
...before I explode.
I thought you were the one who would get addicted to me, but this took me off guard. I'm craving you now, something I haven't felt in years, and the worst part is I think you don't even care. I was just another mouth, another touch, another body to be warm next to yours.
I'm dying inside now, and I blame you. Jealousy is taking over and any thought of another near you makes me burn.
You haven't talked to me since.
I need you.
I need you out of my head
...before I explode.
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