worth.

This feeling is creeping in but its not cold like others. It's like a virus that spreads through my body. Mistakes are made and here I am sitting in my blood, the scrape scraping sound of flesh pulls my mind away. Punishment for my deeds. All worth is gone. Empty without a ray of sun. Grey clouds cover my horizon and I know that I deserve it.
Revisit the lacerations with the clear liquid that makes it catch on fire; 50 times the initial pain, because I deserve it. Hopes and dreams, soft touches I longed for, lips I wished to caress, those yearnings are gone, burned away in sin and blood.
Soften my heart and help me be worth it, because I am lacking in worth.

perfection.

Fingers climbing down my ribs like little stairs to perfection. Far from perfect, I pull in my stomach. I look better if I don't breathe. I put my hands on the front and back and push together. How do I get smaller? This cursed ribcage is in the way. Maybe if I broke that or took it out completely, yes. I'd be a little smaller then. I suck in my cheeks and pull the bags back from my lids. Much better. I have cheekbones now. If I stand just right, my legs don't look so bad, but maybe ill just keep running till they disappear. I'd look better then.

cold.

Wave after wave of depression hits me. This is my own fault, of that I am sure. Exiled by my own hand. I remember what you said, "Depression is a choice." Then I choose to be happy... I am knocked down again. Depression is in my blood. It swims up and around in my veins, tearing and singing it's melancholy song that resonates cold in my bones. I want it out. I want to be warm. Set myself on fire....

I'm so cold.

extinguished.

It's gone. The fire, the passion. You hold none of that in my heart any longer. I can't tell you why. I don't even know. The love I have now if the love you keep for a friend, someone who needs help. You go in to kiss me and I am repulsed. The fire is gone and it's not coming back.

How do I tell you your love is unrequited? I can't explain how it happened, this always happens.
Am I defective?
No, you just aren't the one.

weakness.

I made a mistake and now I'm paying for it. I sit on the edge of your bed. You're concerned, I'm not responding.  Tears brim at the edge of my eyes, that hesitation before they spill over and down my cold cheek. "Is it one of those days?" you ask. I barely nod, I can't tell you anything.

At home alone. I try to do the mundane tasks. Grab the handle of the fridge and grief knocks me to my knees. I hold on for support and wait till it passes. My muscles and limbs ignore me when I command. My hands go limp and I wait and wait and sink lower into the dark.

I've got to get out.
Get out.
Out.

i can't speak

A digression. You asked me to talk about it. I lay there on my side, jaw clenched and brain reeling. I had no idea what to say. I tried to form a coherent thought. Gone. One sentence to say... I forgot it. You start getting frustrated. You sigh and run your hand through your hair. "Should I leave you alone" you ask. 

I'm alone in my head. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Nothing comes out of my mouth. He is upset and he positions himself to leave. I finally force a pitiful phrase, "..just hold me." He looks at me with sad eyes and then pulls me close to him, positioning me so I'm cradled into his chest. Just hold me. 

I'm mentally checking out. It's what I programmed myself to do. Something hard, something emotional? Leave, check out, don't think, don't feel.

Just hold me.

11/28/2011

Dear Jerk Who Tore Me Apart Boy,

I wanted to let you know that it's almost been a year since I left you. I ran as far away from you as I could and I've never made a better decision. Yes, I still think of you, but all the good memories are tainted with my new perspective of you. You had your arms around my throat so tight and all I did was smile and kiss you as I slowly suffocated. I want you to know that I don't miss you. I'm not thinking of your kiss or the way you looked at me because that would be poison to my brain and I'm working so hard to get it out of my bloodstream.

I also wanted to let you know that I'm in love right now and I think he's the man I want to be with forever. One of the things I love about him is he's not you in any way. He treats me the way I deserve and he doesn't make me want to slit my wrists and burn like you did. He makes me feel safe and the things that move are kept as bay when he's near. I'm so safe with him, he doesn't make me fall into the darkness alone. I want you to know that he succeeded where you failed.

Boy, you aren't in my head anymore. I just wanted to say "goodbye".

Regards,
Persona

1/21/11

Pool Particles
  There are leaves at the bottom of the pool like silver sand sharks. They only move with the rippling water, poised in fake action, looking for unsuspecting pool particles.
  I want to know what it would feel like to lay at the bottom of a pool, or a lake or the ocean, and look up into the distorted sun. Motionless except for the wave of my hair billowing around me. Frozen in time, listening to the profound silence, nothing on the brain. Nothing on the brain.

2/17/11

Self Evaluation
Now that I've moved to my new place of residence, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself, or rather, I'm more okay with myself. Self evaluation at the moment, I'd say my hair and face are less of an issue. Body wise I'm pretty confident, although there are things I'd like to change. I'm on the path of repentance and I think I can continue to get better and progress. I'd like to get into school but also focus a lot on my writing. I'm tired right now.

1/20/11

Fire
The journey changes, first she's earth, then water, now fire. Full of burning Passion and desire. She's red and cold and smoldering down. But now like a phoenix, she burns down to nothing to start over again. She's alone for now, but that's fine, because its hard to notice when you're on fire.