i can't speak

A digression. You asked me to talk about it. I lay there on my side, jaw clenched and brain reeling. I had no idea what to say. I tried to form a coherent thought. Gone. One sentence to say... I forgot it. You start getting frustrated. You sigh and run your hand through your hair. "Should I leave you alone" you ask. 

I'm alone in my head. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Nothing comes out of my mouth. He is upset and he positions himself to leave. I finally force a pitiful phrase, "..just hold me." He looks at me with sad eyes and then pulls me close to him, positioning me so I'm cradled into his chest. Just hold me. 

I'm mentally checking out. It's what I programmed myself to do. Something hard, something emotional? Leave, check out, don't think, don't feel.

Just hold me.