scars.

I stripped down to my swimming suit, not remembering till after the angry marks that lined my thighs. An angel on my left, an apology on my right. I saw them look at the marks. The old and the new. I saw them watch my back, those raised white stripes are a curious sight for you, I bet.

I sat talking with him on the couch. I laughed and smiled and leaned my head against my outstretched arm. I saw his eyes flicker from one to the next, and the next, and the next. I slowly pull my arm back into my lap.

The hardest question that I cannot find an answer for: "What happened there?" I would think after all these years I would have a solid answer, but no. Sometimes I just want to reply, "Life." That wouldn't satisfy their curiosity. What happened? 

I felt.

I loved.

I sinned.

I hurt.

I hesitated.

I wronged.

I cried.

I kissed.

I touched.

I prayed. 

I lived.

red.

Red. A warning color designed by God for man. Red means stop. Red means injury. Red means warning.

I have come to love red. Red is an addiction that drips from my arms into the ivory sink. It fades from its angry mark to a pale pink, to a reminder of red. A whisper.

Red caresses my skin like a urgent lover. Opening my skin to let out my love.

My love drips red.

self destruction.

A big black E marks the place where I lay alone at night. E for empty, which is what I've been for some time now. Longer than I originally thought. Right now is when I need saving the most, but the sad thing is I know no one is coming. No one is coming. And the saddest thing is the hope that hides under my skin, faint and sickly. Half dead and being swallowed by hate. Hate for Self. Why I decided to live in self destruction, I may never know, but here I am pulling down lights and peeling off skin and breathing underwater until I'm dragged down to the bottom with my hair floating silently like a rope. Waiting for someone to come, but no one will come. No one is coming.

worth.

This feeling is creeping in but its not cold like others. It's like a virus that spreads through my body. Mistakes are made and here I am sitting in my blood, the scrape scraping sound of flesh pulls my mind away. Punishment for my deeds. All worth is gone. Empty without a ray of sun. Grey clouds cover my horizon and I know that I deserve it.
Revisit the lacerations with the clear liquid that makes it catch on fire; 50 times the initial pain, because I deserve it. Hopes and dreams, soft touches I longed for, lips I wished to caress, those yearnings are gone, burned away in sin and blood.
Soften my heart and help me be worth it, because I am lacking in worth.

perfection.

Fingers climbing down my ribs like little stairs to perfection. Far from perfect, I pull in my stomach. I look better if I don't breathe. I put my hands on the front and back and push together. How do I get smaller? This cursed ribcage is in the way. Maybe if I broke that or took it out completely, yes. I'd be a little smaller then. I suck in my cheeks and pull the bags back from my lids. Much better. I have cheekbones now. If I stand just right, my legs don't look so bad, but maybe ill just keep running till they disappear. I'd look better then.

cold.

Wave after wave of depression hits me. This is my own fault, of that I am sure. Exiled by my own hand. I remember what you said, "Depression is a choice." Then I choose to be happy... I am knocked down again. Depression is in my blood. It swims up and around in my veins, tearing and singing it's melancholy song that resonates cold in my bones. I want it out. I want to be warm. Set myself on fire....

I'm so cold.

extinguished.

It's gone. The fire, the passion. You hold none of that in my heart any longer. I can't tell you why. I don't even know. The love I have now if the love you keep for a friend, someone who needs help. You go in to kiss me and I am repulsed. The fire is gone and it's not coming back.

How do I tell you your love is unrequited? I can't explain how it happened, this always happens.
Am I defective?
No, you just aren't the one.

weakness.

I made a mistake and now I'm paying for it. I sit on the edge of your bed. You're concerned, I'm not responding.  Tears brim at the edge of my eyes, that hesitation before they spill over and down my cold cheek. "Is it one of those days?" you ask. I barely nod, I can't tell you anything.

At home alone. I try to do the mundane tasks. Grab the handle of the fridge and grief knocks me to my knees. I hold on for support and wait till it passes. My muscles and limbs ignore me when I command. My hands go limp and I wait and wait and sink lower into the dark.

I've got to get out.
Get out.
Out.

i can't speak

A digression. You asked me to talk about it. I lay there on my side, jaw clenched and brain reeling. I had no idea what to say. I tried to form a coherent thought. Gone. One sentence to say... I forgot it. You start getting frustrated. You sigh and run your hand through your hair. "Should I leave you alone" you ask. 

I'm alone in my head. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Nothing comes out of my mouth. He is upset and he positions himself to leave. I finally force a pitiful phrase, "..just hold me." He looks at me with sad eyes and then pulls me close to him, positioning me so I'm cradled into his chest. Just hold me. 

I'm mentally checking out. It's what I programmed myself to do. Something hard, something emotional? Leave, check out, don't think, don't feel.

Just hold me.

11/28/2011

Dear Jerk Who Tore Me Apart Boy,

I wanted to let you know that it's almost been a year since I left you. I ran as far away from you as I could and I've never made a better decision. Yes, I still think of you, but all the good memories are tainted with my new perspective of you. You had your arms around my throat so tight and all I did was smile and kiss you as I slowly suffocated. I want you to know that I don't miss you. I'm not thinking of your kiss or the way you looked at me because that would be poison to my brain and I'm working so hard to get it out of my bloodstream.

I also wanted to let you know that I'm in love right now and I think he's the man I want to be with forever. One of the things I love about him is he's not you in any way. He treats me the way I deserve and he doesn't make me want to slit my wrists and burn like you did. He makes me feel safe and the things that move are kept as bay when he's near. I'm so safe with him, he doesn't make me fall into the darkness alone. I want you to know that he succeeded where you failed.

Boy, you aren't in my head anymore. I just wanted to say "goodbye".

Regards,
Persona