It's gone. The fire, the passion. You hold none of that in my heart any longer. I can't tell you why. I don't even know. The love I have now if the love you keep for a friend, someone who needs help. You go in to kiss me and I am repulsed. The fire is gone and it's not coming back.
How do I tell you your love is unrequited? I can't explain how it happened, this always happens.
Am I defective?
No, you just aren't the one.
Monday, February 13, 2012
weakness.
I made a mistake and now I'm paying for it. I sit on the edge of your bed. You're concerned, I'm not responding. Tears brim at the edge of my eyes, that hesitation before they spill over and down my cold cheek. "Is it one of those days?" you ask. I barely nod, I can't tell you anything.
At home alone. I try to do the mundane tasks. Grab the handle of the fridge and grief knocks me to my knees. I hold on for support and wait till it passes. My muscles and limbs ignore me when I command. My hands go limp and I wait and wait and sink lower into the dark.
I've got to get out.
Get out.
Out.
At home alone. I try to do the mundane tasks. Grab the handle of the fridge and grief knocks me to my knees. I hold on for support and wait till it passes. My muscles and limbs ignore me when I command. My hands go limp and I wait and wait and sink lower into the dark.
I've got to get out.
Get out.
Out.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
i can't speak
A digression. You asked me to talk about it. I lay there on my side, jaw clenched and brain reeling. I had no idea what to say. I tried to form a coherent thought. Gone. One sentence to say... I forgot it. You start getting frustrated. You sigh and run your hand through your hair. "Should I leave you alone" you ask.
I'm alone in my head. Don't leave me. Don't leave me. Nothing comes out of my mouth. He is upset and he positions himself to leave. I finally force a pitiful phrase, "..just hold me." He looks at me with sad eyes and then pulls me close to him, positioning me so I'm cradled into his chest. Just hold me.
I'm mentally checking out. It's what I programmed myself to do. Something hard, something emotional? Leave, check out, don't think, don't feel.
Just hold me.
Monday, November 28, 2011
11/28/2011
Dear Jerk Who Tore Me Apart Boy,
I wanted to let you know that it's almost been a year since I left you. I ran as far away from you as I could and I've never made a better decision. Yes, I still think of you, but all the good memories are tainted with my new perspective of you. You had your arms around my throat so tight and all I did was smile and kiss you as I slowly suffocated. I want you to know that I don't miss you. I'm not thinking of your kiss or the way you looked at me because that would be poison to my brain and I'm working so hard to get it out of my bloodstream.
I also wanted to let you know that I'm in love right now and I think he's the man I want to be with forever. One of the things I love about him is he's not you in any way. He treats me the way I deserve and he doesn't make me want to slit my wrists and burn like you did. He makes me feel safe and the things that move are kept as bay when he's near. I'm so safe with him, he doesn't make me fall into the darkness alone. I want you to know that he succeeded where you failed.
Boy, you aren't in my head anymore. I just wanted to say "goodbye".
Regards,
Persona
I wanted to let you know that it's almost been a year since I left you. I ran as far away from you as I could and I've never made a better decision. Yes, I still think of you, but all the good memories are tainted with my new perspective of you. You had your arms around my throat so tight and all I did was smile and kiss you as I slowly suffocated. I want you to know that I don't miss you. I'm not thinking of your kiss or the way you looked at me because that would be poison to my brain and I'm working so hard to get it out of my bloodstream.
I also wanted to let you know that I'm in love right now and I think he's the man I want to be with forever. One of the things I love about him is he's not you in any way. He treats me the way I deserve and he doesn't make me want to slit my wrists and burn like you did. He makes me feel safe and the things that move are kept as bay when he's near. I'm so safe with him, he doesn't make me fall into the darkness alone. I want you to know that he succeeded where you failed.
Boy, you aren't in my head anymore. I just wanted to say "goodbye".
Regards,
Persona
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
1/21/11
Pool Particles
There are leaves at the bottom of the pool like silver sand sharks. They only move with the rippling water, poised in fake action, looking for unsuspecting pool particles.
I want to know what it would feel like to lay at the bottom of a pool, or a lake or the ocean, and look up into the distorted sun. Motionless except for the wave of my hair billowing around me. Frozen in time, listening to the profound silence, nothing on the brain. Nothing on the brain.
There are leaves at the bottom of the pool like silver sand sharks. They only move with the rippling water, poised in fake action, looking for unsuspecting pool particles.
I want to know what it would feel like to lay at the bottom of a pool, or a lake or the ocean, and look up into the distorted sun. Motionless except for the wave of my hair billowing around me. Frozen in time, listening to the profound silence, nothing on the brain. Nothing on the brain.
2/17/11
Self Evaluation
Now that I've moved to my new place of residence, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself, or rather, I'm more okay with myself. Self evaluation at the moment, I'd say my hair and face are less of an issue. Body wise I'm pretty confident, although there are things I'd like to change. I'm on the path of repentance and I think I can continue to get better and progress. I'd like to get into school but also focus a lot on my writing. I'm tired right now.
Now that I've moved to my new place of residence, I feel like I have a better understanding of myself, or rather, I'm more okay with myself. Self evaluation at the moment, I'd say my hair and face are less of an issue. Body wise I'm pretty confident, although there are things I'd like to change. I'm on the path of repentance and I think I can continue to get better and progress. I'd like to get into school but also focus a lot on my writing. I'm tired right now.
1/20/11
Fire
The journey changes, first she's earth, then water, now fire. Full of burning Passion and desire. She's red and cold and smoldering down. But now like a phoenix, she burns down to nothing to start over again. She's alone for now, but that's fine, because its hard to notice when you're on fire.
The journey changes, first she's earth, then water, now fire. Full of burning Passion and desire. She's red and cold and smoldering down. But now like a phoenix, she burns down to nothing to start over again. She's alone for now, but that's fine, because its hard to notice when you're on fire.
1/03/11
Clean Chalk Board
So I believe that I'm making progress. The urge seems faint, the fire not so big, I wish I could extinguish it altogether, but then life would suck later.
This is the time when things start to change, to move, because I'm moving. It's a new year, I'm going to a new place, its time for me to start over. Fresh, hopefully clean. It's so hard to tell when I feel like the line has been disconnected. Just that hollow beeping tone, I can't feel it anymore. Please, make my heart soft, let me hear You again.
I feel so scared but sometimes you've got to jump into something for your own good and hopefully you'll be too distracted by what's happening that you won't think about later, about the past.
I'm a chalk board wiped clean, I hope thing next thing written is a beautiful word, no obscenities, no melancholy phrases. Let it be good. Let me be good.
So I believe that I'm making progress. The urge seems faint, the fire not so big, I wish I could extinguish it altogether, but then life would suck later.
This is the time when things start to change, to move, because I'm moving. It's a new year, I'm going to a new place, its time for me to start over. Fresh, hopefully clean. It's so hard to tell when I feel like the line has been disconnected. Just that hollow beeping tone, I can't feel it anymore. Please, make my heart soft, let me hear You again.
I feel so scared but sometimes you've got to jump into something for your own good and hopefully you'll be too distracted by what's happening that you won't think about later, about the past.
I'm a chalk board wiped clean, I hope thing next thing written is a beautiful word, no obscenities, no melancholy phrases. Let it be good. Let me be good.
12/05/10
Eight Legged Freaks
Looking back at what I've said earlier I think, "who is this person who writes these? How come she keeps changing every time. I'm different tonight then I was last time I wrote.
Is anyone going to read this? Will I ever be brave enough? Maybe its not bravery, maybe its apathy. I don't care if you read into my soul, just don't tell my parents.
It's funny how parents spend so much of there time taking care of us and protecting us and now I feel like I should protect them from what's bad out there. No, you shouldn't read that, its not appropriate, it might even make you sad.
The reason I won't talk to them about any of my problems or worries is not because I don't love them. It's because they're so busy and so stressed out that I don't want to make them have to worry about more things. I'll try to be as low matinence as I can.
I just lost my train of thought. Not that these are following any kind of flow anyway. What was I going to say? I can't remember now. Time to go to bed because my eyeballs are burning and I'm afraid a spider is going crawl on me. I'm sorry, you have eight legs and are gross, so you deserve to die.
Looking back at what I've said earlier I think, "who is this person who writes these? How come she keeps changing every time. I'm different tonight then I was last time I wrote.
Is anyone going to read this? Will I ever be brave enough? Maybe its not bravery, maybe its apathy. I don't care if you read into my soul, just don't tell my parents.
It's funny how parents spend so much of there time taking care of us and protecting us and now I feel like I should protect them from what's bad out there. No, you shouldn't read that, its not appropriate, it might even make you sad.
The reason I won't talk to them about any of my problems or worries is not because I don't love them. It's because they're so busy and so stressed out that I don't want to make them have to worry about more things. I'll try to be as low matinence as I can.
I just lost my train of thought. Not that these are following any kind of flow anyway. What was I going to say? I can't remember now. Time to go to bed because my eyeballs are burning and I'm afraid a spider is going crawl on me. I'm sorry, you have eight legs and are gross, so you deserve to die.
12/04/10
We Won't Burn
I'll make you stop, look, and listen this time. There's nothing more pronounced than red. It sure makes a statement, especially when its dripping off my body. Next time, you think, because it takes two to tango and I really need some help stopping.
When you start a fire, it really catches fast, and it's hard to stop. Burning to the core that leaves a smoldering passion in the center. Deeper and deeper you go and I can't but help falling with you. Untie me and let me climb back up because by the light is where I want to be when it all ends. Until then I'll light a candle and sit by myself, because if I sit next to you I burn.
Time to recreate again, tear it down, just like I sang before. Now it starts, the constant worry, sick twisting feeling that makes me spin inside. You don't have to worry because only I get the consequence.
Self, sleep tonight and don't dream. Don't feel, don't move, and don't burn. We have to wake up tomorrow, there's no doubt because we don't want to be stuck in the dark alone. Not tonight, not ever. So sleep, then wake. Smile and fake till its time to sleep again. No one wants to sympathize, empathize, realize that you're alone for now. Close your eyes so you can be closer to your next chance.
Tomorrow, my dear Self, will be better. We'll be better. We won't burn.
I'll make you stop, look, and listen this time. There's nothing more pronounced than red. It sure makes a statement, especially when its dripping off my body. Next time, you think, because it takes two to tango and I really need some help stopping.
When you start a fire, it really catches fast, and it's hard to stop. Burning to the core that leaves a smoldering passion in the center. Deeper and deeper you go and I can't but help falling with you. Untie me and let me climb back up because by the light is where I want to be when it all ends. Until then I'll light a candle and sit by myself, because if I sit next to you I burn.
Time to recreate again, tear it down, just like I sang before. Now it starts, the constant worry, sick twisting feeling that makes me spin inside. You don't have to worry because only I get the consequence.
Self, sleep tonight and don't dream. Don't feel, don't move, and don't burn. We have to wake up tomorrow, there's no doubt because we don't want to be stuck in the dark alone. Not tonight, not ever. So sleep, then wake. Smile and fake till its time to sleep again. No one wants to sympathize, empathize, realize that you're alone for now. Close your eyes so you can be closer to your next chance.
Tomorrow, my dear Self, will be better. We'll be better. We won't burn.
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