medicated.

After the last episode I realized I needed help. I was falling so often and so hard that I couldn't climb back out long enough to take a breath. I received encouragement towards starting a depression medication which I eventually ended up doing.

It's been ten days since I started it and I haven't had any crashes yet. In fact, I feel rather numb. Sometimes I'm happy or just a nice content feeling, but other times I feel like at that moment I should be sad. I feel hazy instead; blocked somehow.

At least the episodes have stopped so far. Dizziness and drowsiness seem to be the side effects, along with the haze, the wet cloth that seems to be wrapped around my brain.

Let's see how this goes.

I just don't want to turn into an unfeeling zombie.

help.

Another breakdown. The sobs just rip out of me and the need to hurt is so strong. I can't speak, I can't look at myself in the mirror. I hate myself. I disgust myself.

I need to learn to love myself. But it's so hard.

I pray for help because I don't want to be alone. The blade stayed put but I used my own hands to break the skin, crying, begging my wrist to open up. Open up. Open up.

Open up.

But a small miracle happened. I prayed for help, and I received. All those horrible thoughts that ran rampant in my head stopped. They were muffled and I couldn't bring them back up. It was beautiful silence, a quiet calm, so peaceful. Thank you. He took it away and I was able to sleep. I stopped crying instantly. And I could sleep.

I was just so tired.

Thank you.