bloodless breakdown.

I haven't been feeling my best this week, mentally and emotionally. Last night I must have been tired because I broke down after he left. The urge to cut open my skin was so bad but I was able to keep myself from sharp objects and get to bed before I did some damage. I think that is the key there, or at least it helps. Make myself fall aleep before things get worse.

The cutting is no doubt an addiction and although my scars are hard to hide and to explain, I find that I like them now and I want more. More and worse ones. I don't think this is a cry for attention, I just love the way the white stripes cross my arms, my back, my shoulders. They tell a story and they are like art and my body is my canvas. I know I shouln't be ruining my body. It was created for me to use and to protect and to cherish. A body is part of the reason why we came to the earth anyway. But I went and got addicted to the pain, the red that follows, and the white reminders that are left behind.

I hope I get better, but part of me hopes I carry this with me always because it's a part of me now, but a crutch. I know I need to be strong enough to get rid of it, and so far I've been doing reasonable well. The last time I cut myself was April 12, 2012. It's been 2.5 months. Let's see how long I can keep this up.

love.

I fell in love. This is not something I planned to do. In fact, I was trying my hardest to stay out of emotional attachments. I wanted to get to know people but mostly, I just wanted to be alone. I was in love before. A strained love, but still love. After that ended I wanted to just be me, not a couple. I wanted to develop me, learn to love myself, or at least tolerate me. But then I met him. He asked me to dance and later that evening he said he would like to see me again. I said yes, thinking that I could date him a couple times but stay single.

That first date I was immediately attracted to him and not just physically. He was smart and brave and wanted to help others. He had a big smile that was always on his face and an even bigger heart. He was the most positive person I have seen in a long time and I needed that. After that date I knew I wanted to see more of him but I felt as if I hadn't made a good impression or hadn't been interesting enough for him to ask me out again. I was wrong.

I got a message from him that he wanted to meet again and I couldn't say no. That night I wanted so badly to kiss him, or him kiss me but I told myself that I was not allowed to. I was not allowed to fall for this boy. Two dates later, he looked at me and said "I'm trying so hard to not kiss you." I tried to say something witty but he put his hand behind my head and pulled me into him gently. We were like matches and gasoline. I've never felt such a pull towards someone physically, emotionally and spiritually. It didn't take long after that till he told me he loved me. I didn't believe him, although I wanted it to be true. I was trying so hard to keep myself distanced so I wouldn't get hurt again. A few days later, I told him I loved him, and it was the honest truth. I loved him so fast it baffled me, but I knew it was true.

Now he comes over to see me whenever he has time and he plays me songs and sings words that make my heart melt. I don't want to melt, but only for him.

We share a trial that will be hard to overcome but I'm willing and ready for the challenge as long as he is next to me. Last night we had a problem. We ended up sitting on the floor, holding each other. We comforted each other and made promises to do better. To progress. I didn't believe the extent of his feeling till that night when I saw that tear roll down his cheek.

I fell in love. This is not something I planned to do. But for him, I will change my plans, because he is worth it.