worth.

This feeling is creeping in but its not cold like others. It's like a virus that spreads through my body. Mistakes are made and here I am sitting in my blood, the scrape scraping sound of flesh pulls my mind away. Punishment for my deeds. All worth is gone. Empty without a ray of sun. Grey clouds cover my horizon and I know that I deserve it.
Revisit the lacerations with the clear liquid that makes it catch on fire; 50 times the initial pain, because I deserve it. Hopes and dreams, soft touches I longed for, lips I wished to caress, those yearnings are gone, burned away in sin and blood.
Soften my heart and help me be worth it, because I am lacking in worth.

1/20/11

Fire
The journey changes, first she's earth, then water, now fire. Full of burning Passion and desire. She's red and cold and smoldering down. But now like a phoenix, she burns down to nothing to start over again. She's alone for now, but that's fine, because its hard to notice when you're on fire.

12/04/10

We Won't Burn
I'll make you stop, look, and listen this time. There's nothing more pronounced than red. It sure makes a statement, especially when its dripping off my body. Next time, you think, because it takes two to tango and I really need some help stopping.
  When you start a fire, it really catches fast, and it's hard to stop. Burning to the core that leaves a smoldering passion in the center. Deeper and deeper you go and I can't but help falling with you. Untie me and let me climb back up because by the light is where I want to be when it all ends. Until then I'll light a candle and sit by myself, because if I sit next to you I burn.
  Time to recreate again, tear it down, just like I sang before. Now it starts, the constant worry, sick twisting feeling that makes me spin inside. You don't have to worry because only I get the consequence.
  Self, sleep tonight and don't dream. Don't feel, don't move, and don't burn. We have to wake up tomorrow, there's no doubt because we don't want to be stuck in the dark alone. Not tonight, not ever. So sleep, then wake. Smile and fake till its time to sleep again. No one wants to sympathize, empathize, realize that you're alone for now. Close your eyes so you can be closer to your next chance.
  Tomorrow, my dear Self, will be better. We'll be better. We won't burn.

10/11/10

She Is Rain

Personally I think I may be going insane. The amount of time I spend... I dont know why I said that. It came to mind as something to write, but it was a thought unfinished. I have a lot of those. Words or phrases come into my head and they may not be attached to any thought I was just thinking.
  If you say no, does that justify you? What if you just push away? Why do I have so much trouble with making sounds? When its time to talk, I'd rather listen. Listen to my silence... that will answer your nagging questions. I cant make myself say no. My weakness makes me full of anger. Self destructive flame of hate. Makes me want to scream and burn my nerves so I can feel something.
  Soften my heart, I need to feel. I'm tired of being alone. It's the only thing that can really make me cry. Sit... silence... I'm alone and its too painful to bear.
   There I go, not making sense. I say I don't feel, yet I said the pain is too hard to bear. Look at me and tell me what you see. Do I smile? Do I make you feel good? Great, fun, loving, beautiful. There is nothing beautiful about sin. This sinner is ugly and longs to wash herself.
  I sit in the shower sometimes and let the water just soak into me. Hit me fast and light. I blend and for a while I can disappear. Sorry, she's not here right now. She's water, falling fast and although among other water, very alone.

pull me down.

I thought of him today. I hate him. I hate the way he could pull me in every single time. I hate the way he could just look at me and I was his. I would always say yes to him.

Now I think of him and my eyes burn. My throat tightens and my muscles go rigid. I hate you because you made me hate me. The hate of self so destructive and so passionate, I think I hate myself more than I hate you.

I work hard to forgive you but it's hard when I want to put a bullet in your brain. Maybe right in your pretty face so no one else will be captured by your charm, your dark eyes, your lips. Maybe I'd save the next girl. Maybe I'd save you from yourself. But don't worry, I'd die too. Right through my black heart. Punishment for it wanting you.

I'm happy to say I never loved you. I'm happy to say I don't think about you all the time, but when I do I hate, and it consumes me. Someday I will get over what you did to me. Maybe someday I'll forgive myself for falling into you again and again.

Or maybe... right through your pretty little face.